


mystery snake-man

by nefelibata_yyun



Category: Naruto, One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, Attempted Kidnapping, Crack, Crack Crossover, Creepy Orochimaru (Naruto), Crossover, Fluff and Crack, Innocent Monkey D. Luffy, Luffy Being Luffy, Luffy Is a Little Shit, Monkey D. Luffy Being An Idiot, One Shot, Orochimaru (Naruto)-centric, Orochimaru Being Orochimaru (Naruto), Protective Portgas D. Ace, Protective Sabo (One Piece), Protective Siblings, Short One Shot, Two Shot, because garp doesnt HAVE jii-chan senses, garp's jii-chan senses are tingly, it's a two shot now, maybe one shot idk, something had gone really bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28383135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nefelibata_yyun/pseuds/nefelibata_yyun
Summary: "Shut it and stick it in ya arse, you horse-fucking, leech faced pervert," Ace sneered and Sabo, in a moment of insanity, did a double take."Ace!" Sabo admonished, looking horrified. "Don't use that language around Luffy!""Hn!" Ace glared at the dubbed 'snake-man' who was still grossly licking his lips as he leered at Luffy. "Stick your slimy tongue in a whisker biscuit, you shitty carpet-muncher.""How dare you! Ace, was it? Well listen here, Ace-kun-""Ew, don't call me that. Pedophile!""Well," Orochimaru the Legendary Sannin did not just stomp his foot like an indignant child. "You little brat, in the name of science, you can't label me with such a derogatory term just for wanting Luffy-kun's body-"Sabo shrieked.(or, Orochimaru doesn't know why his perfectly fine situation suddenly got fucked side-ways and upside down. obviously, he hadn't met Luffy before.)
Relationships: Monkey D. Garp & Monkey D. Luffy, Monkey D. Luffy & Portgas D. Ace, Monkey D. Luffy & Portgas D. Ace & Sabo, Portgas D. Ace & Sabo
Comments: 19
Kudos: 101





	mystery snake-man

**Author's Note:**

> i legit had this scenario pop up in my head just as i was abt to go to sleep and ughhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> ik i got the details and info practically all wrong and the timeline is shitskerfuck and nothing makes sense but-  
> humor me ok?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> orochimaru, the legendary scientist of the sannin. feared in all the five great villages, was dubbed as 'mystery snake-man'.
> 
> orochimaru is so done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said the timeline is a clusterfuck. but this is what i got:  
> orochimaru is recently turned nukenin abt four years after the kyuubi attack. danzo had already started on the uchiha massacre manipulation thingy. orochimaru is in akatsuki and experimenting on a prototype danzo-sharingan-arm so when the uchiha clan is massacred, he can take their eyeballs.
> 
> asl have been brother for a while and this was after the ramen incident but before the storm that blew apart their treehouse thing (and the consequent fire and 'sabo death') so orochimaru's appearance will affect the confrontation between sabo and outlook

Orochimaru had finally worked it out! It's a miracle, absolutely amazing- Reinforcing Hashirama's DNA, and then- and then-

Oh dear, in his excitement, Orochimaru had nearly lost his composure, even in the solitude of his eerie but homey lab filled with disfigured babies and toddlers, he had a reputation to keep up.

It was unbecoming of a Legendary Sannin.

He felt something enter the circumference of his ever present chakra sense, stopping and pausing. Orochimaru narrowed his eyes because he had found out how to merge the DNA of the _Senju and Uchiha_ bloodlines and if some brainless fool just wandered in _his lab then-_

But Orochimaru detected absolutely no chakra signature. Huh. Maybe it was a rat or something. 

Well sue Orochimaru for being paranoid, he eyed his experiment greedily, this could potentially become the next coming of the Sage of Six Paths. With enough chakra enhancements and a strong body, one would be able to utilize the vitality of the Senju _and_ the feared God of Dojutsu- the Sharingan. The thought of the Yin Yang prowess acting in harmony sent shivers down his spine-

He heard a loud thud then a crack, the sound of wood splintering right behind him. The slow _glug... glug... glug_ of some liquid spilling-

Orochimaru turned slowly, not wanting to face something that, he feels with apprehension, will ruin everything he'd been doing.

A clink, sizzle, spark and Orochimaru sees a broken wooden crate, bottles of oil and- _are those explosives-_

_**BOOM** _

Orochimaru felt the shockwave throw him back, the skin on his torso, face and arms sizzling and cracking under the heat of the unexpected explosion. The lab- _oh_ _no, his precious lab!,_ erupted in explosions and he needs to at least salvage his fruitful findings-

_**BOOM** _

With the second explosion, Orochimaru was prepared- spitting out a replica of his body, and leaving his skin behind- he fled, body still fragile from his 'rebirth'.

His survival paramount after all.

A good scientist marvels his findings and a great scientist would go further, a _legendary_ scientist, however, would not mind rebuilding all his work because next time, he could do it faster and better- maybe he'll even find out something more. (But it's such a pain, he'll either have to desecrate the Senju tombs once again and he'll also have to ask a favour from that blasted Obito again.)

I mean, who was 'Madara' fooling? A scientist to the level of _Orochimaru_ would know his true identity- looking underneath the completely ludicrous title of 'Madara', and would also know to keep his mouth shut because 'Madara' obviously hated his guts for poking around Sharingan and the such. 

So naïve. Great things deserved to be studied properly; Orochimaru bet his summons that the 'Curse of Hatred' was yet another biased reason spat out by Tobirama. Though he marvelled the Nidaime's creative mind and amazing inventions, he was still a racist fool.

With a tiny burst of chakra, Orochimaru leapt onto the branch of the nearest tree and... he thought this base was on the outer edge of Sunagakure, so what was he doing here with these trees...

A teleportation Jutsu? A trap? Or perhaps a Genjutsu?

Drawing in and slamming chakra out his five senses- no, this wasn't a Genjutsu. Orochimaru glanced at his surroundings... a forest? He leapt onto the summit of the closest tree and observed. A small forest, it was, and there were a few dozen presences in what looks like... he concentrated chakra into his eyes, squinting at the small brown blob that was a bastardized version of a... shack.

'And if a shack could be bastardized,' Orochimaru off-handedly thought, 'then it's pretty daunting.'

(He could feel his chakra coils protesting under the strain. Using chakra straight after that Jutsu was limiting- weak. He should find a scientific solution to open the Eight Gates without having to train like a mad man. No legendary scientist would stoop to the level of _Gai_ unless it was absolutely necessary.)

He eyed the presence he had felt- it was a little boy that was very visibly warring with himself in what to do. So _this_ was the chakra-less rat that had snuck in his base.

"Boy." Orochimaru spoke and the little boy swung around and his face was coloured with relief but it was hard to see with all the snot and tears present on it. Orochimaru inwardly grimaced.

"Mystery man!" The boy yelled and- _what?_ "You didn't explode into bits and pieces like that meat pie Dadan put in the microwave for ten minutes!"

Orochimaru paused at that ridiculous comparison. This boy reminded him of Jiraiya but with much less of his repulsive perverseness. 

"It's been a while since someone had openly showed such worry towards a figure like I," Orochimaru said slowly, staring at the boy and _willing_ for a spark of realisation or recognition to appear. "Do you know who I am, little boy?"

After pondering for two seconds, the boy looked up at him with awe and _finally,_ Orochimaru inwardly groaned, _this boy is so_ dense.

"You smell like snakes." The boy concluded with a decisive nod of his head. "You're a snake person. Like Spiderman, except not spider because snake."

Orochimaru really wanted to bang his head against the tree but even if it _was_ in front of a stupid, tiny boy, _he had the fearsome Legendary Sannin façade to keep up._ So, he just raised an eyebrow, injecting as much elegant confusion in his expression as possible.

"So, you're a mystery snake-man." The boy nodded again, this time more confidently and Orochimaru face palmed. _Reputation be damned in face of such ignorance!_

Another boy with freckles, ran next to the first boy and eyed him suspiciously, looking at him up and down with an unhealthy amount of vitriol for a mere child.

"Who the fuck are you?" Freckles snarled, about as ferociously as a kitten. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Don't speak with such coarse language," Orochimaru put primly. "Your profanities grate at my ears.

Freckles stopped for a moment, eyes squinting as if processing the sentence and _who even raised these boys? Were they orphans? Mountain kids?_

"In other words," The Sannin deadpanned. "Don't swear."

"Anyway," Freckles continued. "I don't know what you're doing here or... or in a tree but get the fuck outta here before Garp beats you up."

_Who? A carp?_

"Ace!" The smaller boy exclaimed, "But Jii-chan won't be back for at least another few months!"

"Idiot!" 'Ace' reprimanded the boy, punching him over the head. "Don't just tell people who you're related to like that, stupid!"

Orochimaru had a lot to solve out. But at least one thing was clear, these two mountain savages, who didn't know who a Sannin was, are complete morons.

"Besides, you don't need to tell me. That old geezer never comes when we need him to." Ace mutters bitterly with a scoff.

"It's ok though," the smaller boy beamed and Orochimaru held back a flinch at the brightness. "Jii-chan doesn't have to come. I have Ace and Sabo!" He threw his arms around Ace and they stretch. _Stretch._

"Shove off, Luffy!" Ace yelled before his expression dulled.

"Eh?" The two boys turned to Orochimaru, panic written across their faces while Orochimaru was intrigued, running through Kekkei Genkei after Kekkei Genkai, Yang Jutsus after Yang Jutsus but to stretch unintentionally and _so effortlessly,_ without the use of chakra too...

"That- that was nothing!" Ace yelped. "East Blue-" _East where?_ "-people usually don't know about Devil Fruits but-"

The 'Luffy' boy jumped up, hooking a finger on one side of his mouth and stretched his face widely, "I ate the Gum-Gum no mi and became a rubber-man!"

"Luffy... you idiot!" Ace dope-slapped Luffy but his _neck_ stretched and his head _bounced_ off of the floor.

"Gum-Gum no mi...?" He'd never heard of _Devil_ Fruits before. They sound so malicious too. His fingers twitched with the need to dissect the boy and find out exactly why-

"And can you utilise this power?" He asked as non-threatening as possible.

The two of them wore each wore different expressions.

Luffy looked at him in awe as if he expected rejection or, perhaps, disgust. It was eerily reminiscent to Minato's child, Naruto- so young, yet so despised for reasons that the civilian's _amazing Yondaime-sama_ had caused.

Ace looked confused, "What's so interesting about rubber? It's pretty much useless!"

Before his expression twisted into something _very_ suspicious and he asked suspiciously, "And why do you want to know?" Before the Sannin could respond, he forged on, "Who's your boss? We're under the protection of the stupid geez- of Monkey D Garp, Vice Admiral and Hero of the Marines, tell your slave trader boss to go drown in a fucking ditch."

Orochimaru processed the load of information in the span of a second. _Marine? Hero? And..._

"Excuse _me?"_ Orochimaru demanded, "I feel _insulted,_ a scientist such as myself would never deign to _enslave_ someone."

"Then what the fuck do you want?" Ace growled.

"Vulgar language." Orochimaru sniffed. "I just want to take apart his body-"

"Pedo!" Ace cried with an almost humorous amount of horror.

"Aren't you curious?" The Sannin continued to eye Luffy's body, looking for any visual, outward indications that he could _turn to rubber._

"Rubber, a human body could turn to rubber? Are his organs still rubber? What of his fluids? Are you not curious?" He felt his fingers twitch again and watches as Ace slowly backs away, tugging the boy behind him.

"Luffy," Ace hissed too loudly to be susceptible. "We have to get away from that creep."

"Ace, Luffy!" Another boy, wearing _daimyo-worthy_ clothes (is that a _cravat?)_ , ran in. "What are you doing-"

The boy turned to him and upon closer inspection, his clothes were ripped and ridden with filth. Orochimaru had to clasp his hands behind his back to fight away the urge to dump a Suiton Jutsu over him and his filthy attire.

"Oh apologies, Mister." Cravat said politely and Orochimaru is vaguely relieved that at least _he_ had manners. "To what reason are you present within the vicinity of this forest? The woods are quite dangerous so I suggest you swiftly take your leave."

Orochimaru wanted to laugh because three _brats_ weren't in danger but _he,_ Orochimaru- who was at top a tree completely unruffled after facing two explosions at point blank, was.

Luffy was wearing a disgruntled expression at Cravat's words- not one to talk in sophisticated language, perhaps.

"I was also wondering why three kids such as yourself, Cravat-kun-" 

"Hah!" Cravat cut him off and- ok, maybe none of them have manners. "I told you it wasn't a napkin!"

"It _is_ a napkin!" Ace shouted back. "What else can it be? A table cloth?"

"A- _hem."_ Orochimaru continued slightly irked, "What are three kids doing in this 'dangerous' forest then."

"Oh we live here-" Luffy shouted before Sabo slammed a hand over his mouth before looking exasperatedly at Ace. The freckled boy nods as if to say 'leave it to me'.

"Nunya fucken' business-"

"Ace!" Cravat screeched. "Polite! Be polite! Do you _ever_ listen to what Makino-san says?"

"But Sabo," Ace hissed, "this is an ehk-sepshon, he's a pedo!"

"Exception," Sabo reflexively corrected before he slowly turned to face Ace who in turn, looked at Luffy, Luffy then looked at Orochimaru. "A pedo...?" 

"What's a pedo? Is that what a mystery snake-man is?" Luffy shoved a finger up his nose.

"Shh, Luffy, you don't need to know." Sabo hushed.

"I'm not a pedophile, children." Orochimaru hissed as benevolently as he could. "I just want to explore his body!"

* * *

Sabo could deal with adults. Assholes, drunkards, nobles, The-Nice-Ones (like Makino-san) but there has only even been one adult he couldn't deal with. Garp. Now there was a second one. A pedophile.

"I just want to explore his body!"

Sabo gasped-

"Not like that!"

"Then like what?" Luffy asked in a bored tone, losing interest after a mere minute.

"Well then," The creepy pervert licked his lips with- is that his tongue?! "You'll find out soon."

Ace and Sabo simultaneously shoved Luffy behind them.

"Mufufufu... how cute," the man's voice was far too enthusiastic to be good. "Little boys want to play hero now?" 

"Shut it and stick it in ya arse, you horse-fucking, leech faced pervert," Ace sneered and Sabo, in a moment of insanity, did a double-take, looking hurriedly at Luffy's wide eyed stare.

"Ace!" Sabo admonished, horrified. "Don't use that language around Luffy!"

"Hn!" Ace glared at the dubbed 'snake-man' who was grossly still licking his lips as he _leered_ at Luffy. Sabo and Ace both positioned themselves to block his line of sight. "Stick your slimy tongue in a whisker biscuit, you carpet-muncher."

Sabo bit back a reprimand, in lieu, glared more ferociously at the man, ignoring Luffy's stage whisper of 'what's a whisker biscuit?'

"How dare you! Ace, was it? Ace-kun-"

"Ew, don't call me that. Pedo!"

"Well," The man stomped his foot, very much appearing like an indignant child. "Listen here you little brat, in the name of science, you can't name me a pedo just for wanted Luffy-kun's body-"

Sabo shrieked.

* * *

_-Before Luffy caused trouble-_

Luffy had went to Grey Terminal that morning because for some reason, Ace and Sabo were being sneaky after seeing that it was May. Weirdos. They had told him not to wander but he wasn't wondering anything. 

When he saw the nasty pirates that beat him up unload a bunch of wood boxes, he felt his stomach growl. Then he remembers that Dadan put bottles in boxes that kinda looked the same. Full of the 'sake' that Ace had once stolen to toast to brotherhood. Sake is kinda like food. And those boxes kinda looked the same...

AHA! Luffy had determined. Those boxes must have food in them! 

When he was carrying the boxes to Ace and Sabo to share the food, he had stumbled over a little hole but luckily, he caught it just in time. But it was a very mysterious hole, it got bigger and bigger until Luffy could see a mystery man next to mystery floating babies drooling over a white arm and red eyeballs. Ew, why would someone drool over eyeballs? Was it secretly a food?

He decided to go to Sabo to ask him about it, because Sabo knows everything.

He tripped over something and the wooden box dropped from his hands and down the hole- _no, Luffy's food!_

Luffy felt slightly disappointed and relieved because it actually wasn't food- it was actually explosives and he felt relieved because it meant that he didn't lose food. 

Wait. Explosives? 

He opened his mouth to warn the man to be careful when the stone floor causes a spark and whoosh and _**BOOM**_.

Ah, no! Mystery man and his food-arm-eyeballs!

Horror crawled up his spine and Luffy was going to turn to run to find Ace or Sabo because they were his big brothers and they can fix everything-

He bursts into tears even though Ace hates crybabies but Luffy had just exploded someone into bits and pieces-

* * *

_-Marineford-_

Garp had nearly beaten his PB of how many donuts he could eat when a tingle shot up his spine. He suddenly got the urge to punch a snake which was strange because he was on neutral terms with the Pirate Empress and her snake lady pirates...

Then he remembered the fifty different species of venomous snakes in the Goa Kingdom forest and maybe it was because they were in danger... BAH! No way. But either way, he decided that he should go give his brats a good beatin- ahem, visit.

"Senny!" He hollered, bits of donut flying as he slammed open the door. Too bad he couldn't punch through it, he didn't have time for a lecture on why his coolness wasn't permitted. "I'm going to go visit my Grandsons!" 

"Garp!" Sengoku yelled back. "Stop barging in without a warning! ...Though I don't even know why I bother..."

"Have fun with your work!" Garp boomed before turning to leave.

"Stop right there!" Sengoku stood up, paperwork flying and desk rattling. "W-"

"It's not the time, Sengoku." Garp said with a foreboding amount of seriousness. "My..."

"Your..." The Marines that were in the presence of their conversation prompted, leaning towards them.

"My..." Garp whispered.

"Your..."

"My Jii-chan senses are tingling."

Garp paid no heed to the Marines when they sweatdropped because Sengoku would know exactly what he's talking about.

"Hurry along then, Garp." Sengoku ushered him hastily. "It must be a horrible case if your inexistent senses are tingling. Go go go!"

* * *

"Jii-chan!" Luffy cried in fright as he came storming through the forest. This was bad, he didn't think he'd get beaten- ah, visited by him until next month! 

"Jiji! What are you doing here?"

"Garp-san!" Sabo cried, aggressively pointing at the mystery snake-man. "Please help us keep that man away, he's a pedophile!"

"I just want to examine Luffy-kun's body!" Mystery snake-man yelled, "Do not get in my way!"

"I told you not to call Luffy that!" Ace snarled.

"A- a- a pedophile?" Garp's jaw dropped before his eyes narrowed, his fist turning a mystery black. "Stand back, precious Grandsons, it's time to see why Marines are the coolest."

"Stop with your Marine advocation for once!" Sabo screeched. "Pedophile elimination comes first!"

"Can you stop referring to me as-" Snake-man started.

"Pedophile!" Jii-chan boomed. "To hunt the pedophile!"

"Pedophile!" Ace boomed with him. "To rip 'im into bloody pieces!"

"I'm-" Mystery snake-man sighed, "I'm not a pedophile..."

"Yes-" The three screamed while Luffy disinterestedly climbs up a stray vine before falling over himself, "Yes, you are!"

"Jii-chan?" 

"What is it?"

"Ace and Sabo won't tell me what a pedopie is..." _Annnnd_ the pinkie found the nostril again. "Is it eatable?"

("It's 'edible', Lu, not 'eatable'." Sabo replied patiently.)

**Author's Note:**

> im not a one-shot OR a crossover type of person but....
> 
> tell me what y'all think. (if u think it sucks, don't tell me tho :0)
> 
> <33


End file.
